Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I hate Trent Plaisted

1. Because he sucks, but not in the same way in which [insert name of any 3rd string NBA player] sucks. Plaisted sucks because every once in a while he actually shows up to a game, gets tough, makes tough shots, plays adequate (but never good) defense. And then there are games like th final of the MWC tourney. In addition to being in foul trouble (and committing a few very chicken shit fouls), the moron couldn't seem to get position on guys who were 4 inches shorter than he. Plaisted, use your 6'11'' frame and do something with it. Hit the weights. Learn to post up somewhere within 14 feet, even if the guy is (SHOCK!) trying to defend you.

2. Because he has no jumper. Seriously folks, Plaisted's foul shot is not all that different than Shaq's. The principle difference is that Plaisted uses two hands and has a slightly higher percentage. C'mon're not Shaq. You can't post; you can't dominate in the post. So keep those hosers honest by developing a nice little J. Joe Klein made a respectable NBA career out of a 20-foot J. You can do it.

3. Because he entertained, even if for a moment, opting out of his Sr. year for the NBA draft. No, the Portland Trailblazers were not calling, but I'm sure the Athens Petros of the Greek B League will. YOU ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO NBA TALENT. Not even close.

4. Because he is ugly. Butt Ugly. He reminds me of an honor-code-keeping Tim Frost (no, I'm not referring to my asshole cousing Tim Frost, but the former Utah Ewete's center).

5. Because despite his almost unfettered potential, he will fail to develop the Cajones to get the Cougs to the round of 32 this year. One and done (almost sounds like Plaisted's stat line against the Rebels last week).

Thursday, February 21, 2008


Last week it was reported that the University of Utah fans taunted BYU basketball-player extraordinaire Trent Plaisted with the chant "DUI, DUI!" in reference to Lacy Plaisted's unfortunate run-in with the law (while under the influence of painkillers prescribed to her after a recent knee surgery). At first, I was a little outraged. Then I realized that not only was this not offensive, but this was a way for Ewetes fans to say, "Hey, Trent, you may be a Cougar, but your family is like one of us." Indeed, not only was there no guile in the chant, it was almost as though they were saying, "Lacy, we know soccer didn't work out for you at BYU, but there is always a spot for you on the lady Ewetes' roster."

Lacy's Mug Shot

Give it some thought folks....there are only a few reasons why someone goes to the Ewe to study, and I list them below (in no particular order).

1. You are dumb. So dumb in fact, that you couldn't get into BYU. Not wanting to reveal your stupidity, and to avoid the shame of being at a community college (or even worse, Utah State), you enrolled at the Ewe. Yes, it is true, you tell your friends at the Y that your dad is a big Ewetes fan, but that is just a cover for your shame (and your dad's shame, might I add).

2. You are a closet-LDS alcoholic. Though there is beer in Utah County, there is much more beer in Salt Lake County. Much more. Much, much more. And there is nothing that can get between you and a twelve pack of Polygamy Porter's lager....every night. Sure, you tell Grandma that you're going to institute and that you love your mission prep class, but we know better. You're doing keg stands with your institute teacher's son. And maybe, just maybe, if you polish your skills at bearing false witness you can skirt through your pre-mission interviews. Good luck.

3. You are a gay RM. 'nuff said.

4. You are a raging, deluded, smart-ass anti-Mormon who wants to spend the next four years of his life (and more if you can get into the Ewe's "tough" and "nationally (dis)respected" graduate programs) making it known to the campus just how un-Mormon you are.

5. You got kicked out of BYU, and you're tricking your parents into believing that you are still at the Y by truthfully saying, "I'm in college in Utah."

6. You have a secret man crush on both Alex Smith and Andrew Bogut (and will soon join the category in #3).

So you see, enraged Cougar fans, the Ewete fans were merely extending a hand of fellowship to the Plaisted's....a "welcome to the club" if you will.

Debbie Clemens and HGH


Gotta tell you, it works wonders for both members of the Clemens family.

Man-pris and Manny

Okay, so, I freaking love Manny Ramirez. There is probably no player in the world who can pull all the crap he's pulled in Boston and still be beloved by the fans (because it is just "Manny being Manny"), but my loyalties can only go so far.

Yesterday Manny rolled into town in a White Escalade (which is dope, even if it is the car of choice for soccer moms in Bel-Aire), on time, and from what has been said elsewhere, in great shape. So, why am I so disgusted with Manny? This is why: the dude rolled up in manpris (capris worn by men).

I've spent the last 24 month mocking Rafael Nadal for being the most sexually confused tennis player in the world based solely on his inexplicable donning of the most effeminate below-the-waste apparel known to man. Manny, please, ditch the manpris. Next thing you know you'll be wearing face moisturizer and picking your ass as part of your pre-serve routine (referencing Nadal).

For the love of all holy, go to Sports Authority, go the the men's department, and buy some freaking Addidas short (with some manly UnderArmour for good measure).

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Brokeback Mountain

Kudos to Phil Jackson for making a comment that our left-leaning "friends" in this world would take offense to. After being asked if "penetration" was what caused the Lakers' loss, the quick-witted coach responded, "we call this a Brokeback Mountain game because there is a lot of penetration and kickbacks." Hillarious.

And why does the NBA think it is the spokesperson for the Rainbow Coalition? Seriously, when Tim Hardaway was HONEST and said he didn't like gay people, the freaking NBA blacklisted him from the All-Star game. Now, the NBA's Bryan McIntyre comes out again and "reprimands" Jackson (as in McIntyre is telling Jackson, "you've been a very naughty boy." I realize that with the WNBA comes a lot of fans who put from the rough, but there is no need to freak out evertime someone says something that 70% of the population agrees with. It's funny. I'm a fat guy, I tell fat jokes all the time. I don't run to the ACLU everytime I hear a fat joke. Lighten up NBA, or else people are going to start wondering why Bryan McIntyre is on the "Re-Elect Larry Craig" committee.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A-Rod: Classless piece of S*&!

How about this for classless, money-grubbing piece of garbage. A-Rod wins the Hank Aaron award (still the home run king in my mind), and skips due to a "family matter." Then the homo announces that he is opting out of his contract in the middle of Game 4 of the World Series. You know what, A-Rod? When you win the freaking Hank Aaron award, get the eggs to tell Uncle Rodrigo that you'll have to wait until next year to attend his annual super-salsa birthday fiesta.

A-Rod represents everything I hate about just another of Scott Boras's bitches. I love the fact that Jason Varitek and Dice-K both called off the pitbull Boras in his negotiations with the Sox, and told that greedy bastard to "get the job done." Now, they're world series champs.

Bryce Atkinson

Former BYU linebacker, Bryce Atkinson, recently shared his struggle with addiction to prescription painkillers and narcotics in a recent story in the DMN. While I certainly feel bad for Atkinson, I find it ridiculous that he and his father are blaming BYU for his struggles. If BYU is to blame, Bryce, then how did your freaking wife get hooked to heroin with you? This isn't rocket science dude, you have an addictive personality, and you have a hard time controlling your addictions. I apologize and I empathize, but the onus is on you, and not your doctors for trying to keep you out of pain.

Good luck with your recovery, and you know, try not to obtain narcotics with intent to distribute never looks good on a Resume.