"DUI, DUI!"

Last week it was reported that the University of Utah fans taunted BYU basketball-player extraordinaire Trent Plaisted with the chant "DUI, DUI!" in reference to Lacy Plaisted's unfortunate run-in with the law (while under the influence of painkillers prescribed to her after a recent knee surgery). At first, I was a little outraged. Then I realized that not only was this not offensive, but this was a way for Ewetes fans to say, "Hey, Trent, you may be a Cougar, but your family is like one of us." Indeed, not only was there no guile in the chant, it was almost as though they were saying, "Lacy, we know soccer didn't work out for you at BYU, but there is always a spot for you on the lady Ewetes' roster."

Lacy's Mug Shot

Give it some thought folks....there are only a few reasons why someone goes to the Ewe to study, and I list them below (in no particular order).

1. You are dumb. So dumb in fact, that you couldn't get into BYU. Not wanting to reveal your stupidity, and to avoid the shame of being at a community college (or even worse, Utah State), you enrolled at the Ewe. Yes, it is true, you tell your friends at the Y that your dad is a big Ewetes fan, but that is just a cover for your shame (and your dad's shame, might I add).

2. You are a closet-LDS alcoholic. Though there is beer in Utah County, there is much more beer in Salt Lake County. Much more. Much, much more. And there is nothing that can get between you and a twelve pack of Polygamy Porter's lager....every night. Sure, you tell Grandma that you're going to institute and that you love your mission prep class, but we know better. You're doing keg stands with your institute teacher's son. And maybe, just maybe, if you polish your skills at bearing false witness you can skirt through your pre-mission interviews. Good luck.

3. You are a gay RM. 'nuff said.

4. You are a raging, deluded, smart-ass anti-Mormon who wants to spend the next four years of his life (and more if you can get into the Ewe's "tough" and "nationally (dis)respected" graduate programs) making it known to the campus just how un-Mormon you are.

5. You got kicked out of BYU, and you're tricking your parents into believing that you are still at the Y by truthfully saying, "I'm in college in Utah."

6. You have a secret man crush on both Alex Smith and Andrew Bogut (and will soon join the category in #3).

So you see, enraged Cougar fans, the Ewete fans were merely extending a hand of fellowship to the Plaisted's....a "welcome to the club" if you will.