"DUI, DUI!"

Last week it was reported that the University of Utah fans taunted BYU basketball-player extraordinaire Trent Plaisted with the chant "DUI, DUI!" in reference to Lacy Plaisted's unfortunate run-in with the law (while under the influence of painkillers prescribed to her after a recent knee surgery). At first, I was a little outraged. Then I realized that not only was this not offensive, but this was a way for Ewetes fans to say, "Hey, Trent, you may be a Cougar, but your family is like one of us." Indeed, not only was there no guile in the chant, it was almost as though they were saying, "Lacy, we know soccer didn't work out for you at BYU, but there is always a spot for you on the lady Ewetes' roster."

Lacy's Mug Shot

Give it some thought folks....there are only a few reasons why someone goes to the Ewe to study, and I list them below (in no particular order).

1. You are dumb. So dumb in fact, that you couldn't get into BYU. Not wanting to reveal your stupidity, and to avoid the shame of being at a community college (or even worse, Utah State), you enrolled at the Ewe. Yes, it is true, you tell your friends at the Y that your dad is a big Ewetes fan, but that is just a cover for your shame (and your dad's shame, might I add).

2. You are a closet-LDS alcoholic. Though there is beer in Utah County, there is much more beer in Salt Lake County. Much more. Much, much more. And there is nothing that can get between you and a twelve pack of Polygamy Porter's lager....every night. Sure, you tell Grandma that you're going to institute and that you love your mission prep class, but we know better. You're doing keg stands with your institute teacher's son. And maybe, just maybe, if you polish your skills at bearing false witness you can skirt through your pre-mission interviews. Good luck.

3. You are a gay RM. 'nuff said.

4. You are a raging, deluded, smart-ass anti-Mormon who wants to spend the next four years of his life (and more if you can get into the Ewe's "tough" and "nationally (dis)respected" graduate programs) making it known to the campus just how un-Mormon you are.

5. You got kicked out of BYU, and you're tricking your parents into believing that you are still at the Y by truthfully saying, "I'm in college in Utah."

6. You have a secret man crush on both Alex Smith and Andrew Bogut (and will soon join the category in #3).

So you see, enraged Cougar fans, the Ewete fans were merely extending a hand of fellowship to the Plaisted's....a "welcome to the club" if you will.

Debbie Clemens and HGH

Before

After

Gotta tell you, it works wonders for both members of the Clemens family.

Man-pris and Manny

Okay, so, I freaking love Manny Ramirez. There is probably no player in the world who can pull all the crap he's pulled in Boston and still be beloved by the fans (because it is just "Manny being Manny"), but my loyalties can only go so far.

Yesterday Manny rolled into town in a White Escalade (which is dope, even if it is the car of choice for soccer moms in Bel-Aire), on time, and from what has been said elsewhere, in great shape. So, why am I so disgusted with Manny? This is why: the dude rolled up in manpris (capris worn by men).

I've spent the last 24 month mocking Rafael Nadal for being the most sexually confused tennis player in the world based solely on his inexplicable donning of the most effeminate below-the-waste apparel known to man. Manny, please, ditch the manpris. Next thing you know you'll be wearing face moisturizer and picking your ass as part of your pre-serve routine (referencing Nadal).

For the love of all holy, go to Sports Authority, go the the men's department, and buy some freaking Addidas short (with some manly UnderArmour for good measure).

Brokeback Mountain

Kudos to Phil Jackson for making a comment that our left-leaning "friends" in this world would take offense to. After being asked if "penetration" was what caused the Lakers' loss, the quick-witted coach responded, "we call this a Brokeback Mountain game because there is a lot of penetration and kickbacks." Hillarious.

And why does the NBA think it is the spokesperson for the Rainbow Coalition? Seriously, when Tim Hardaway was HONEST and said he didn't like gay people, the freaking NBA blacklisted him from the All-Star game. Now, the NBA's Bryan McIntyre comes out again and "reprimands" Jackson (as in McIntyre is telling Jackson, "you've been a very naughty boy." I realize that with the WNBA comes a lot of fans who put from the rough, but there is no need to freak out evertime someone says something that 70% of the population agrees with. It's funny. I'm a fat guy, I tell fat jokes all the time. I don't run to the ACLU everytime I hear a fat joke. Lighten up NBA, or else people are going to start wondering why Bryan McIntyre is on the "Re-Elect Larry Craig" committee.

A-Rod: Classless piece of S*&!

How about this for classless, money-grubbing piece of garbage. A-Rod wins the Hank Aaron award (still the home run king in my mind), and skips due to a "family matter." Then the homo announces that he is opting out of his contract in the middle of Game 4 of the World Series. You know what, A-Rod? When you win the freaking Hank Aaron award, get the eggs to tell Uncle Rodrigo that you'll have to wait until next year to attend his annual super-salsa birthday fiesta.

A-Rod represents everything I hate about baseball....stats......money-grubbing.....and just another of Scott Boras's bitches. I love the fact that Jason Varitek and Dice-K both called off the pitbull Boras in his negotiations with the Sox, and told that greedy bastard to "get the job done." Now, they're world series champs.

Bryce Atkinson

Former BYU linebacker, Bryce Atkinson, recently shared his struggle with addiction to prescription painkillers and narcotics in a recent story in the DMN. While I certainly feel bad for Atkinson, I find it ridiculous that he and his father are blaming BYU for his struggles. If BYU is to blame, Bryce, then how did your freaking wife get hooked to heroin with you? This isn't rocket science dude, you have an addictive personality, and you have a hard time controlling your addictions. I apologize and I empathize, but the onus is on you, and not your doctors for trying to keep you out of pain.

Good luck with your recovery, and you know, try not to obtain narcotics with intent to distribute anymore....it never looks good on a Resume.

Red Sox Win!

Man, it has been awhile, but last night I celebrated with the rest of the Nation as the Red Sox ousted the Rockies to win their second World Series in four years. I have a few thoughts on the off-season and the big win.

1. I remember the great response I got from non-Sox fans when they won it in '04. I have been somewhat surprised by the all-out negative responses I've received from many fans of baseball. We've lost the loveable loser label, and now people think we are the new Yankees. Here is why we are NOT the new Yankees:

• We will not open our checkbook for overpriced free agents. Theo Epstein and the crew set a value for any player and refuse to pay more. Remember Johnny Damon and Pedro Martinez? Those were two of the most popular players on the Sox '04 team, and they cut them loose because they wouldn't exceed what the organization thought Damon & Pedro were worth.
• We have an excellent farm system and many of the key players on this year's team are home-grown talent. Youkilis, Papelbon, Lester, Pedroia, DelCarmen, Kevin Cash ('Belli's heir), made HUGE contributions to the organization. With Clay Bucholz on the up and up, our rotation is set for a few years. Yes, we went out and paid top dollar for Daisuke, but it is not like we just snapped our fingers and threw down 101 million. The Sox have followed Daisuke since Epstein started in Boston (in fact, the Padres, whom Epstein worked for, first started to scout Matsuzaka when he was 18). It was calculated and not intended to be a "win now" transaction. Thus, we are built to continue to win "the right way."
• This is our first AL East title in a decade! The Yankees have won from 96 on.

We're not the Yankees. Do we have a high payroll? Yes. But after Manny is done next year, I project that our payroll will dip down to the 120 Million mark. Erstwhile, the Mets, Angels, Dodgers, Mariners, and others will around the same mark (especially with A-Rod on the open market).

2. I hope to heck we can re-sign Mikey Lowell. I love everything about that guy, and he is a perfect fit for the Sox. He had a huge year, and I hope we can meet him in the middle, because he is one of those guys that I feel privileged to have seen in a Sox uniform.

3. After giving this a lot of thought, I have come to a drastic conclusion. If the Red Sox sign A-Rod, I will not root for the Sox as long as that stat-loving homo is on the roster. I hate A-Rod with a passion, and there is only one thing the Sox can do this year that can make us the "new Yankees"--sign A-Rod. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. What have his stats gotten the Yankees? Three straight defeats in the ALDS. Remember, this is the same guy that got bumped down to 8th last year in the ALDS. Mr. April, Ms. October...that is A-Rod in a nutshell.